November 22, 2011

In Which A Cheap Horror Movie was Filmed in My Kitchen

So this morning when I came downstairs I saw a HUGE (like at least 4 inches long, literally!) bright red centipede running at super sonic speed (in circles) on my kitchen floor.  Oh and also, saw my two cats curiously standing around it thinking it was their new playtoy.

Don't worry.  I certainly didn't do the 'holy-crap-I-almost-peed-my-pants-dance' in the living room after putting Owen in the safety of the pack & play.  I definitely did not shoo the cats away and reach for the nearest Tupperware bowl to trap it under, making sure it was a clear one so I could see through it and monitor the nasty little thing.  And then I most assuredly did not find the biggest Bible we had and put it on top of said bowl because the cat was swatting at it and I thought the thing might escape.  I'm too brave for that nonsense. 
And then I did not call my husband and ask him to stop working and come home and rescue me.  And I didn't dry heave into my mouth when he suggested sliding a piece of paper under the bowl and throwing it outside. (Get that close to it!?!?  Are you bleeping kidding me?! It could be poisonous!)  And I definitely didn't then stack two more Bibles and a 48oz bottle of Juicy Juice on top of it, just to be sure the little critter couldn't get out.  And it would be silly of me to take Owen and retreat to the safety of the upstairs while we waited for Bill to get home, so don't worry, I didn't.

And when hubby got home (just-for-the-record) he said, "Woa, that thing is nasty!" when seeing it through my clear Tupperware trap.  And when he tried his little paper trick, the thing DID escape (SEE that's why there was no way in Tokyo I was gonna do that!) .... well he almost escaped... Bill smashed the bowl back down really fast, managing to cut the buggers head right off (after sawing the bowl back and forth a few times, he tells me)!  And it kept scurrying around in circles!  HEADLESS!   People, I'm not making this stuff up.  It's like a cheap, crappy horror show went down in my kitchen while Owen and I watched in our PJ's from the stair case (just 1/2 way up in case things really got out of hand - centipedes can't go up stairs, right?)
So then he found a case of CD's and smashed it down on the nasty thing and smushed it to smithereens. Thank. Heavens.  And he then put it in a styrofoam cup leftover from dinner the night before and put it in the outside dumpster because there was no way I'd be able to cope with it being put into the trash can under the sink.  Even if it was reduced to blood and guts.


So my hubby is my hero.  And I made him a cake for all his heroic-ness.  A milk chocolate with chocolate chips double-layer cake with Joe-Joe's (Trader Joe's version of Oeros and WAY better, might I add) smashed up between the layers, whipped buttercream frosting and more Joe-Joe's sprinkled on top. 

And. Just for the record.  I made him promise me I wasn't over-reacting about the bug before he left to go back to work.  And he did.  That thing really was nasty.  I do kind of wish I was brave enough to take pictures of it.  But I wasn't.  So you'll just have to settle with my non-illustrated story.

The End.