December 23, 2014

Not Quite Yet

The outpouring of love and support we've received via email, text, facebook and in person from the community here in Moshi has been absolutely overwhelming.  We've heard from people we haven't talked to in months, even years, as they offer encouragement, love and prayers.
The community here has blown us away with their love and kindness. 
We've had dinners brought over, groceries picked up, Owen taken care of, even some American Gold (okay, they're just menstrual pads, but they're the good ones from the states!) given to us after I went through my entire supply. Every morning I awake to texts on my phone from people as near as our backhouse, to as far as the west coast just checking up on me. We are so thankful for all of this - all the love, support, concern and prayers from near and far.  Thank you, thank you all so much for sharing your stories, for sharing scriptures and prayers via the internet, and for some of you even staying up in the wee hours of the night to chat with me over text.

Yesterday was the first time we left the house since our 2nd appointment Saturday afternoon.  We had to go for the final check up (all is good!), and on the way dropped Owen at some friends' house for a play date, then afterward at one of our friend's house to pick up the goodies I'd left behind at the cookie exchange.  Then a couple of the teachers cooked us some Mexican food and brought it over, even stayed to eat at Owen's request. It was so nice to just have dinner and chat.

The thing is I have this 'sense' that people are looking at me (even through the internet), expecting to see dark circles under my eyes, nappy hair, unshaven legs and over-sized t-shirts, busting out the ugly cry at every right turn.  That's just not where I'm at right now though.  Okay, yes, my hair is a little nappy b/c the power keeps going out by the time I have energy to take a shower, and standing under a freezing cold shower does not sound the least bit enticing.  BUT, other than that, we're doing okay.
I had a chat with a good friend of mine this morning, whom I trust completely and really look up to for wisdom and advice.  When I told her my thoughts on what it seems like people expect me to be doing right now, and how I'm not, how we're just kind of getting on with life and enjoying our family time together, her response was, "There's grace in that for sure, it may not be time for you to do anything with the emotional part."

Wow.  That really blew me away.  But it's so simple. And seeing it put that way I can see God's grace all over our family.  We've been able to still share some very special moments with Owen, spend time together just the three of us getting ready for the Christmas holiday (crap! I still have to wrap presents, whoops.) anyway, we are just truly enjoying our vacation right now and I think that's what God wants for us.

Sure I cry once in a while. Like yesterday when I was cleaning the clutter off the shelf in our room and I grabbed the ultrasound pic (the only one we ever got) and the progesterone to put it away.  For a brief moment I thought, "What am I supposed to do with this?  Do I throw it away? Do I keep it somewhere?" In the end I just put it in the medicine cupboard with the progesterone because it was late and I was tired, but seeing it made me wonder, what's the protocol for this?  Or when we re-hung the stockings the other day (they're just taped on the wall) and we didn't put up the tiny one, it made me sad for a minute to put it back in the closet.  The worst though, at least for me, is when Owen brings it up.  He's said things like, "I just want the baby to come back," or, "I just wanna be a big brother."  When I reassured him we'd have a baby, and we'll try to again real soon, he said, "But I just want this one back."  That one did me in.  He's really doing an amazing job processing it all though.  I can see the sadness in him at times too, but he isn't lashing out or acting crazy or anything, he just looks sad sometimes and we talk about how it's okay to be sad.  And we also talk about how it's okay to be happy because we know the baby gets to hang out in Heaven with Jesus.

And, overall, I'm doing okay.  I don't feel the need to talk about it or do the ugly cry - not yet.  I'm sure it will come, I know it will and it has to for the healing to come full circle, but for now I think God's grace is just covering our family so we can enjoy this season together, our Christmas celebration, then our New Years celebration on the coast.  Maybe after that it will be our time to mourn, but for now, because of all you amazing people sending prayers our way, God's given us a little, well, a LOT actually, of extra grace to get us through.  And for that, we are beyond thankful.